Pre-Wedding Depression: Sex

Pre-Wedding Depression: Sex

The word ‘sex’ immediately conjures up a sort of break in any conversation, or situation. While biologists may talk about it without the connotations it normally has, bringing it up in a typically conservative Indian household may just give you a range of reactions – from eyebrow-raising to outright protest and hushing.

It’s important to talk about sex to your children, and it is important that couples discuss it too. It is a biological act with too many sociological meanings and implications. In an arranged marriage, sex is mostly consummated on the night of the wedding – but even that seems archaic nowadays. Premarital sex is not an exception, it is more likely the norm. The sexual experiences that each partner brings to the table are part of a very layered, complicated dynamic.

When couples newly begin dating or are typically in their honeymoon phase, the sex is great. The urge of exploring each other in a completely new, and intensely private situation is a source of immense joy and excitement. The same may apply to an arranged marriage, but since there is not much emotional familiarity, the kind of sex that the couple will have may just differ.

However, all couples inevitably experience the ‘law of diminishing returns’, as they say. Too much of a good thing can become something far more troublesome, or worse, habitual. When you have explored someone sexually, our human minds may begin chalking off the experience as stale and take it for granted.

We also live in an age where social media assaults us every day with expectations of ‘what life should be like’. You need to be smart, earning the big bucks, living a life that allows you pleasure and of course, having sex regularly because that seems to be the formula to happiness. Questions of good and bad sex can lead to a decline in self-esteem, especially when your body is concerned.

Am I desirable? Am I too fat? How do I perform in bed? Does she satisfy me? Does he even look at me with lust anymore? Are we getting too old?

Social media also shows you other ‘perfect’ lives, of men and women with perfect bodies who seem to be getting laid all the time. The compulsion to have sex goes beyond the biological necessity to a point where we live in an oversexualized world. Pornography and other sexual forms of entertainment are more easily accessible than ever. There are cases of people abandoning flesh and blood companions, getting all their satisfaction from digital and virtual realities.


This is where, before a wedding, depression may suddenly hit you like a sledgehammer. Are you having enough sex as a couple? Does the lack of sex mean that he/she has lost all interest in you, and might just be cheating behind your back? Or worse, seeking pleasure elsewhere, where money exchanges hands and love motels are involved?

Sex is also a topic that many people find hard to bring up and openly talk about – especially in India where there has been a longstanding taboo on even simply talking about it like mature adults. Most sexual concerns either end up in a newspaper advice column or are manifested as pent-up frustration later on in life when it is too late to prevent things.

There is also a more universal issue, where sex is treated as something that is too private. While that’s certainly true if you’re talking about yourself and your preferences, the same cannot be said if you’re in a committed relationship; or any physical relationship. So, when is the right time to bring it up?

If you find yourself in a relationship where you think there is little to no gratification, then bringing it up is necessary. The graph of sex can also reach the other extreme, where there is only sexual activity between you two and hardly any emotional, or day-to-day interaction.

You yourself might develop feelings of insecurity, or your partner might be experiencing some issues of their own. Talking about these will give you more clarity. Remember that you’re deciding to spend your life with your partner when you decide to take the marriage route: being clear about each other’s sensuality is going to be a key component of this relationship.

Reinvent your sensuality time and again. Many partners begin cheating or approach alternative methods of satisfying their sexual pleasure because they lose interest in each other. The human mind gets tired of habits and repeating patterns quite easily – it needs to be stimulated.

Play sensual games with each other. If you think you can explore other people as a couple, go for that – and there are married couples who are swingers – i.e. have sex with yet other married couples. Some couples also opt for physically open relationships, where they satisfy their urge to sleep with other like-minded people while being on the same page as their partner. While all these are bold steps that you may not be comfortable with, at least start by experimenting with your partner alone.

There are quite a few books and video resources too if you think that can help. For example, “Better Sex Video Series — Sexplorations” by the Sinclair Institute is something we can vouch for on our end.

Discovering each other emotionally is a big component of having a satisfactory sex life. A couple’s counselor or a therapist may be immensely helpful here in bringing out problems that may be entrenched in one’s psyche. You should not disengage from the relationship until you have clarity on what exactly your partner’s sensuality is. The bottom line? A sexless, or purely sexually motivated marriage – both are formulas for doom if left unattended. Being sex up. Talk about it. Explore it, and explore your partner through it to escape this particular component of pre-wedding depression.

About the Author


Monica is a moniker for our relationship expert. She's been working as a relationship counselor for over 10 years, and over time, has sharpened her personality. Unlike typical counselors, Monica is not afraid to use a harsher method to resolve certain issues that demand it. Even if she's a virtual entity now, she can still see into your soul.

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